I don't know whats going on with me, its getting worse and im getting tired. Im a boy, 20 years old and I can't remember as many details as I would like to remember about who and what I was before that 'something' happened thats why I'll be vague with some things. If you think you may have and idea or have some information or a good advice on this please feel free to answer cause I'm desperate.
I've been in and out of psychiatric institutions since high school and I've been diagnosed multiple times by different doctors (Antisocial personality disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Anxiety, Depression, Schizophrenia Paranoid, Schizoaffective disorder, Bipolar not otherwise specified.) When I was younger I was pretty much in control of myself, some things with me were off but nothing that really bothered me, things like excessive boredom, intrusive thoughts, derealization and depersonalizations and not being able to not to fake every social interaction, a giant disgust for every human, an entertained mind with every mechanic answer, things people could just not see, I planned everything I said and everything I did, it was automatic, It was sorta exciting getting everything I wanted, I stole things like whole outfits in expensive clothes stores even though I had the money just because it was exciting and made me feel good, I abused all kinda of drugs and people in a way, I got sorta lost in the drug path, I started getting psychotic and I did a lot of crazy things like going out of town, not sleeping, spending weeks on the street, drugs, wild parties, sex with strangers, but then a day I started to notice that I wasn't so sure of what I was doing, something that I think I never felt before, I was kinda lost, I was kinda alone and I didn't knew what was the next step to take, like if the part of me that was sure of everything and had everything sorted out disappeared, the drugs were getting down and I was so exhausted and desperate feeling that I couldn't go out for more, now i'm clean except for weed (auto medication) I became aware of every little thing but didn't know how to deal with it or what was the importance of everything, I have a cloud in my mind and im not sure of anything I don't know how to explain it, its driving me crazy, I want to stab my face multiple times after I stab everyone else, I always thought that in a way (a proxemic way) I can read peoples minds but after this happened it was like their thoughts and expression became sharp and aggressive to me, and now its like they can hear my thoughts too in that way also, something happened to my nerves, I can't be relaxed, not in my house, not in my bed, not in my sleep, I just can't relax its like If I am possessed and my brain and inside my body its burning I have ricing and negative thoughts, i'm angry and irritable to the core, to the point that if some one talks to me in that moment I snap and attack them with everything I have and I hurt myself cause I need it to stop now, it so much. Everyday I end up screaming and scratching my face because I don't quite get what im feeling but it is a lot, I can't concentrate, I can't decide between stupid easy things, I feel guilty all the time, I can't organize my mind and put whats first first, that makes me angry as ###$, I can't sleep well, I have panic attacks, night terrors, my stomach hurst and I need to throw up since I wake up, this are just some things that are happening, there are a lot more but I don't know what its important what its not, I also some times experience selective mutism when some one asks me what is happening because my brain does not know the answer or at least thats what I think. No one has been able to help me, not the doctors, not in the clinic , I don't trust anybody and im fearing that Im gonna have to kill myself because I won't live like this my whole life, and its not getting better, 2 years now, I feel hopeless. Alexithymia and mixed bipolar episode are things that can describe...

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so, i was about 12 when all of this had happened. it started with a prank where my friend dared me to pretend to be this girls boyfriend online (i am a female). i wanted to stop the prank but my friend forced me to keep going and get nudes from the girl we pranked. the girl ended up sending them andy i ended the prank kinda rudely. i said “there’s a hot girl at school bye.” the girl we pranked ended up not going to school the next day and i thought nothing of it. a while later and i was with the friend i pranked. that friend and i were playing truth or dare. she had dared me to do things like twerk in my underwear, take my shirt off and show my boobs. then, i dared her to lick my vagina. she ended up doing just that. she was trying to get me to lick her but i said no. her mom ended up somehow finding out and guys at school were saying that i made that girl lick me. instinctively i knew she told people even though she swore she didn’t. my mom was told everything by her mom and we had a meeting with the four of us. i apologized and th girl apologized. we hung out and played air hockey after. then i was at school and a police officer handcuffed me and said that that girls mom called him and told him everything. (keep in mind this is after the four of us met and talked and me and that friend actually hung out a few times.). so this police officer had told me that i committed crimes like: child pornography, cyber bullying, and sexual harassment. i was crying and he said i was fake crying. he also told me i could go to juvenile hall. apparently the friends mom didn’t want to file charges or go to court so i don’t get the point of telling a police officer. i am just very worried that this will prevent me from getting a job and going to college. the police officer said that my friend AND her mom talked before calling the police. i talked to my friend and she claims she never heard a word about it. she was actually at a foster home at the time because her mom got really mad at her. so technically the mother could get in trouble. i have been scared of police ever since this. i just need help and comfort. i was only 12 and i was exploring. and i’m still scared today.

To whomever takes the time to read this. THANK YOU. I’m going to try to make this quick and to the point. I can’t remember a time when anxiety wasn’t part of my life. Depression is different, it’s not a constant like anxiety. They still play their parts of equally destroying my happiness and chances to be happy. Since I’m desperate for some advice, I’ll save the stories from growing up for another blog post. For now, I’m just going give the basics. I grew up with an overbearing father whom, til this day is in denial he has a gay son whom has different interests. I’m not the son he expected. My dads a hardworking man who’s always been a foreman and architect and building skyscrapers. Growing up he didn’t accept my aspirations. Becoming a writer was always something I wanted to be. He didn’t approve and made it known. “You’ll be living in a shack” I remember him telling me at dinner in a restaurant. It’s crystal clear as I think back on it now, so are the feelings that well up. It’s difficult because I actually do love my father and he loves me. Giving me everything that I wanted, besides accepting who I am and what I wanted for myself. I would give everything back if I just had that. As a result, I stagnated. I didn’t go to college after high school. I hopped from job to job aimlessly, took some community college classes but I never committed fully. I never committed because I just wanted approval. I was too scared to make a decision or committing because I wanted to make my dad happy, so I just wandered and wandered. I wandered into a job that is in the environmental business. I worked there for five years, but towards the end I was becoming unhappy. Unhappy with my boss and unhappy with the lack of growth. This was when my dad heard from a friend that somewhere was hiring for apprentices in a certain field. I’m going to keep some info vague as in to not give away where I’m working for privacy reasons. Anyway, this field was looking for apprentices and my dad had an in so it could help me with chances of getting accepted. A mixture of my passiveness, unhappiness, and the constant pushing of my father I started the admission process. I didn’t want to do this from the beginning and I tried relating that to him without making him angry. I was told I’m not going anywhere with this job and this is a great field to be in. So I let him believe I wanted it. I ended up getting into the apprentice program. I put on a fake smile and told everyone what they wanted to hear. My dad wanted this so bad for me he paid The required fees since I didn’t have them. At the beginning of September I started class and was told to quit my old job since I would start working for them. This is when my soul began to die. I didn’t begin working til the end of December. I didn’t make a check for four whole months. Within this time I was never more depressed. I was anxious about starting a new job, waiting for the call that I would be called in for work for those for those four months. Thank god for my family helping me through it but it didn’t feel good. So feeling like this, we’re to go to class one day every two weeks. I missed a few days because I was sick with anxiety of having to go in. The thought of going to this class made me throw up. I had doctors notes for some of the days I missed so I thought I was okay. I finally got the call for work and found I was very lucky with the people I got placed with and things began looking up. I didn’t miss any classes, I was making money. Then came the end of the job. I was laid off last week. Luckily I’m getting unemployment checks every week. Now here’s the catalyst of why I decided to register to this forum. My brother is having a destination wedding in July. I found out that I’ll be away and missing a day of school. I decided to sit down and speak to my instructor about it. Well, it turned out all my absences weren’t covered by my doctors notes for whatever reason they weren’t good enough. I’ve exceeded the p...

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First of all I would like to apologize because this is going to be really long so I would like to say I really appreciate you reading this till the end and trying to help.

Since november I have been having flashbacks and thoughts of everything I have done wrong in my life, and now that I think about it those things are absolutely horrible.

To start with typical things normal people would have heard of before, I've done things like cheating on boyfriends, lying to parents, sneaking out etc... I lost my virginity at 15 years old with a 21 year old guy and also had sex with a 28 year old who lied to me about his age, which disgusts me when I thought about it.

Now more weird things, as a kid, I would always lie. I would like about everything. I would lie about having cancer, about having relationships with celebrities ( I would even make fake accounts and catfish people) , about being anorexic, i even catfished a real person in real life to show people and pretend he was flirting with me. I lied about having a brother that died, about people I knew, places I went to etc... I don't know why, can anyone help me figure out why I would like so much?

Now the darkest part is sexual. As a child I remember making my dog eat me out. Of course at that time I didn't really know what i was doing but now i see it's bestiality and I can't get over what I did. Likewise, I've been recalling sexual games I would play as a kid which really mess with my mind. I remember licking my cousins' vagina because she said she wanted me to. I also remenber pretending to be asleep while my cousins and sisters licked my breasts because I liked the feeling of it. Is this sexual abuse? Also, I remember once i asked my sister to touch me down there and my dad walked in the room before she did and stopped us. I don't know what to do about this because everytime I see my sister all i think about is if i sexually abused her and why I would do something like that with her.

So when recalling all those wrong things I have been really bad anxiety since and I'm not too sure what's happening. Along with his comes thoughts I don't want to have that I just can't stop. I keep on thinking in my head that I have been raped and my body feels so unsafe even though I know it isnt true, the feeling is still there. I get thoughts about harming people and myself all of the time, I get thoughts about violence and sexual stuff, and i don't know why. I have read online that this might be OCD which could make sense as I recall having weird 'if i don't do this then this will happen" things as a child. For example:

" If i don't run down the corridor in less than 10 seconds then my mum will die in the future"

a lot of games like that in my head that I see now might have been the start of this.

I just do not understand at all what is going on in my head right now and why these thoughts don't stop. I can't figure out if i have been raped or if it's my imagination playing with me because i have no memory and i have been to the extent of asking family members who said no and gave me support. I can't figure out why i started thinking about all my mistakes all of a sudden. Please help me figure out whats happening?

Hello.

I want some help. I didn't really want to tell this to my parents because I was afraid of their reaction if they knew about this...unhealthy habit of mine. I'm sorry for the grammatical errors, English isn't my first language and I'm in a rush while writing this.

You can call me Audrii—not my real name, of course—and I'm turning 16 this year. Unfortunately, I had this issue since I was 13. I created people inside my head and pretended they were real. I named them Luke, Luis and Mary. Luke and Luis are twins, and Mary grew up around them. I thought of them as my childhood friends and eventually, told my best friends about them even though they're not real.

Eventually, it got worse. I've been telling false stories about them and were weaving lies on the spot, it scared me because it came so naturally that I couldn't stop it. It came down to a point where my circle of friends at school found out about it and instead of giving up for getting caught red-handed, I just lied to them—again—and was so agitated by the fact that they knew about my lies. I covered it up by crying and telling them that they had died, and they accepted that reasoning.

They dropped it, and I never told stories about my imaginary childhood friends to that circle ever again. Some complicated stuff followed after that but in the end, I couldn't stop craving for my imaginary childhood friends so I ended up raising them from the dead. I ended up falling for one of those imaginary friends, primarily Luke. It felt so real to the point I got scared investing in making real relationships happen.

Sometimes I feel like I really am just a skilled liar. But I kept up this ruse for 3 years now and they feel so real. I want it to stop. Please, any help with identifying just what the in the world is wrong with my head would be very much appreciated; if you can also advise me just how I could bring this to the attention of my parents I'd be really grateful. Thank you for reading this far, have a nice day.


— Audrii